So, I sat down in my regular coffee shop about 2 hours ago intending to come up with a topic and write a blog post, now that I'm generally doing better (new medication seems to be working, yay!). I promptly got distracted writing a long email to a friend who had heard that I was struggling again (she's not of Facebook and didn't know about this blog, so the info was secondhand) and reached out a couple weeks ago. Apparently it took 2 hours to write even a brief(ish) overview of the past year and a half. (As for the getting distracted by the email, see the post that I'm sure I'll be writing soon about getting assessed for ADHD). By now, I'm getting hungry and so need to go home soon to get some lunch. So, instead of whatever topic I might have come up with to write about, here's something that I wrote a few nights ago when I should have been sleeping. Reading it isn't ideal as it's meant to be preformed (though I'm not sure if it's a spoken word slam poetry thing or a weird attempt at a rap thing), but it's what I've got. Also hating how an extra space is added every time I hit enter, so this can't even go in an ideal written form.
How to describe
Yeah, how to describe.
The mind that is mine
yet not-mine
When depression takes hold
In my soul
I am bold
But the thoughts of the not-mine
Convince me that I’m not me
When your brain is in pain
Feel like there’s nothing to gain
From fightin’
need to get some light in
Here, shed some light on the thoughts
Show what’s me and what’s not
And the knot in my belly grows
Stretching out to hold back the flow
I know
Who I am
and how depression lies
I know how the war goes
I’m a warrior in the throes
of battle
And while the foe is in my head
There’s a dragon in my heart
in my art
To remind me who I’ve been from the start
So strong and optimistic
Can’t help but be persistent
My soul was built resilient.
But this is a siege.
My god how this is a siege.
So far I’ve won the battles
Survived
my mind
the way it prattles
Telling me I can’t
I can’t
I just can’t
Go on because I’m worthless
I’ve heard this
a thousand times
in my mind
And each time
Medication fails to work
I get a little more hurt
As my brain lays siege to my soul
My heart starts to take the tol
I’m fight’n wounded
and loomin’
Is the day that I fear when
Treatment-resistant overcomes the persistent
The dragon’s bleeding out.
I said the dragon’s bleeding out.
A new drug
A new love
For life to continue
I miss you
All the friends left behind
In the fight for my own mind.
I find you again, I’m writin’ again
Using my art to heal my heart
I’m hopin’ again
Beneath it though is still the fear
The fear that the next time will be the last time
‘Cause if the dragon dies
My mind won’t be far behind
How to describe.
Yeah, I hope I’ve described.