So, I briefly mentioned in my last post that I've been getting assessed for ADHD. It's not completely finished yet (I assume, I've only had 3 or the 5 sessions initially scheduled, and I'm assuming at least one of those is meant to talk about treatment), but it's pretty clear that what the results are. I have ADHD, though a relatively mild case of it. I still find it really weird that wide range of things that I'd always put down to introversion, depression, and plain old personality quirks actually all add up to this other thing. Part of me is still in denial. Part of me is going huh, that actually explains some things.
Take difficulty focusing. This is such a broad concept, it's hard to really pin down. If I look at it a different way though, through the coping mechanisms I put in place without labeling the problem, it makes a lot more sense. For example, whenever I have writing or (non-fantasy) reading to do, I go to a coffee shop. I know that I can never get anything done when surrounded by the distractions of my home. While a coffee shop has more sounds and things going on, there are fewer things to pull me away from the task at hand (laundry, dishes, my cat, the bookshelves full of old friends). I also expect to be at the coffee shop for at least half an hour before I actually focus in and start working on the writing or reading I went there to do. It's the same reason that I always try to be at work or at class at least 15 minutes before things are supposed to start. It takes me that long to settle in and be able to focus. The flip side is that once I'm truly settled, engaged and interested, I can get hyper-focused, losing all track of time as I work away.
Then there's the procrastination/motivation thing. I'd always put this one down to a personality quirk made worse (way worse) by depression. While depression has certainly been a factor, it's compounded by ADHD. Clearly, the whole trouble focusing also comes into play here. There's always something more interesting things to do than that school reading/work project/household chore, and starting things is extremely difficult. The good news one this one is that I sometimes do the previously avoided household chore as part of procrastinating on doing the school reading.
One sign/symptom that initially confused me was losing things. I don't lose things, at least not often. The usual example is losing your keys, and my keys have never been misplaced for more than 30 seconds. Ask me where something is in the house and I can almost always tell you - and if it's not where I said, that usually because someone else moved it. Add one word and make slight perspective change though - losing track of things. I may not lost physical items, but I definitely lose track of things that need to be done. Physical day-planners and calendar apps are very much my friends, and even when I'm using them religiously things still get missed. Usually everyday things that I assumed I didn't need to bother writing down, like doing laundry or scooping the cat litter, and I only realize that I lost track of it when I have no more underwear or the cat starts pooping everywhere.
Then there's the whole listening thing, also connected to focus. I'm often not very good at it. I can think I'm paying attention, and next thing I know my eyes have glazed over and I'm staring vaguely over the shoulder of the person I'm supposed to be listening to. In lecture classes I compensated by taking very thorough notes in order to stay focused and just put it down to not being a auditory learner. It's not considered socially acceptable though to take notes on a casual conversation. Even more frustrating is when I'm sure that I'm really listening and paying attention - for example, during a conversation with my partner about something that's been really bugging them. I hear them, I promise to work on it . . . and somehow I completely forget about the entire conversation until the problem comes up again.
There's a whole bunch of other signs/symptoms, most of which I have trouble with to a certain extent. Impulsivity, bad time management, difficulty making decisions, restlessness, hypersensitivity (both emotionally and to physical environments), etc.
When life is going well, I manage all of these things reasonably well - I might come off as a little scattered, but nothing out of the ordinary. I have coping mechanisms that work. But add a whole other level of complication when other parts of life aren't going well. It isn't unusual for depression and ADHD to go hand-in-hand, and they tend to amplify each other. On top of that, undiagnosed and untreated ADHD limits the effectiveness anti-depressants. Until the ADHD is being treated, the anti-depressants can only ever be partially effective. No wonder I've been at least moderately depressed for most of the last 15 years. The only stretch that I was in no way depressed was when I was basically self-treating the ADHD through enormous amounts of physical activity. The good news is that now that the diagnosis had been made, we know that adding a stimulant (to treat the ADHD) to my anti-depressant is likely to make a big difference. There are a number of stimulants that can safely be taken with SSRIs, the most common kind of anti-depressant. Because nothing in my life can be straightforward though, the anti-depressant that I'm currently on is an MAOI, which apparently can't be taken at the same time as a stimulant. Not sure yet how that one is going to be resolved, but I'm trying to think of the whole things as two steps forward and one step back, rather than one forward and two back. Yet another medication change might be on the horizon for me.
Anyway, back to the ADHD. Apparently I have it, even though I never had trouble staying in my seat in school. Stupid stereotypes, focusing on one aspect that not everyone experiences. It's much more about the "attention deficit", only some people get the "hyperactive" part. And there are many ways that people experience the attention deficit/difficulty/difference part. At least I know now that I'm not just lazy, flaky and inconsiderate, there's (multiple) neurological things at play. Next steps: emotionally accept that, and wait for my psychiatrist to figure out how to treat the depression and the ADHD together . . .